Express Enlightenment

Apologies for the long delay of my second diary update Brothers and Sisters, but I have been on tour with Brother Matthew on his Express Enlightenment programme. Of course, those of you that know me will remember it was the same programme that persuaded me to join the Brethren in the first place. So, when Brother Matthew had asked for volunteers, as soon as he took his foot off my windpipe, I jumped at the chance. The opportunity to attend the four day crash course, this time as an observer, was too good to miss. A small group of people joined Brother Matthew on his two week long quest: Sister Avril, Brother Philip, myself and Brother Clint, who was our chef. When I asked Brother Matthew why Brother Malcolm wasn’t coming, he rightly reminded me that we want people to join. So there I was on the first day overseeing the signing of the three billion, trillion year contracts. Then I got to attend Brother Matthew’s denigration forum. Yes, in the very same part of the programme where Brother Matthew had changed my life when he suggested I was an unsuccessful abortion. This time around I watched in awe as Brother Matthew told one woman that her whole family detested her and another man that he totally deserved leukaemia. Of course it was quite hard to see in the dimly lit windowless room, but this time I got to see up close on stage with the great man himself. Armed with my trusty flipchart, I managed to help Brother Matthew reduce dozens of them to tears, through my pie-charts of worthlessness and graphs of despair. In doing so, I knew that I was helping them progress to enlightenment through the first step of shedding perceived weaknesses. On the second day, I helped organise the Persona Improvement Network, a talk whereby Brother Matthew explains how the Brethren can help each of the attendees, and even doles out compliments in exchange for their PIN numbers. Of course it could be perceived as contradictory to the day’s message when Brother Matthew started thrashing me with my flipchart in front of everyone, but I have to admit that I totally deserved it. I did accidentally call Brother Matthew, Brother Matt. Then I followed it up by calling him Brother Matthew instead of Sir. No, I was asking for it, and I’m glad everyone saw it; the actions of a just man. I wish more people were as physically honest as he is. So, moving onto the third day, I got to witness the audience freely contacting their bank managers and divorce lawyers and persuading them to attend the following day. So, when the next day came the airless hall also became cramped. But I had to yet again admire Brother Matthew as he told the new attendees how he had changed the lives of their business customers and how he aimed to do the same for them in the next session. A truly great man. I cannot compliment the course enough. If any of you get the opportunity to volunteer in the future I would totally recommend doing it. And volunteer to do it before he gets near you.

So, returning home I couldn’t help but worry about what had been happening in the office in my absence. Don’t get me wrong, I had total faith in Brother John to manage the staff while I was away, so what if he had absolutely no experience in managing people or even using Excel, the Brethren has taught me that because Brother John is Spargon Dimensional Level Umber, he is more qualified than me in life at virtually everything. No, what was bothering me was Brother Marcus’ behaviour while I was away. I wouldn’t put it past him to give Brother John a hard time with his demands for a workplace assessment or union representation. But no, I was pleasantly surprised when I returned. All of the staff were quietly processing admin including Brother Marcus, which was a miracle. When I asked Brother John how he’d managed what I’d never, he explained that he brought in a fun new game for the team that incentivised the staff to give their maximum effort. Offering bonuses to staff who demonstrated the selling techniques of the Oracle and sacking any people who did not participate. I thought I saw a lot of new faces. Oh, well Brother John was probably doing me a favour, and it’s great to bring a part of the Brethren into the workplace. When I asked about Brother Marcus, Brother John explained that he’d started to cause trouble when he refused to sign a leaving card for someone Brother John had just sacked. But Brother Marcus soon fell in line when Brother John started sacking people who sat near him. So it sounds as though we all had an eventful time. Until next time.